A Whole Heap of Trouble
by Chemical-King
Summary: Based on the short film A Heap of Trouble. On a semi-ordinary day in Beach City, Steven and his friends are in for a rude (and catchy) awakening. If you are familiar with the source material, you'll know why I had to rate it M.


It was a beautiful day in the suburbs of Beach City. Lars and Steven were using the time to play a friendly game of catch against Sour Cream and Buck Dewey. Jenny was not far from the action, taking selfies and fiddling with the filters on SnapQuip. Jamie the mailman had arrived to drop off a few packages for a young Connie Maheswaran.

"Wow! It's the newest installment of Unfamiliar Familiar! Express shipping really is worth the extra twenty bucks," Connie said, admiring her online purchase.

Meanwhile, four adults (consisting of Priyanka, Vidalia, Martha, and Dante) were huddled in a corner discussing something. They all wore concerned looks on their faces as they whispered amongst themselves, trying to keep their conversation from the younger crowd.

Suddenly, in the far distance, a faint sound rang throughout the neighborhood. With each passing moment, the sound grew louder and louder, until singing and marching was much clearer. After a few more notches in volume, the citizens of Beach City turned to source of the rhythmic noise. Once the marching and singing reached its highest volume, the source of the ruckus finally revealed itself, to the horror of everyone present.

Strutting down the street were nine men of Beach City; Greg Universe, Mr. Fryman, Harold Smiley, Mayor Bill Dewey, Kofi Pizza, Yellowtail, Doug Maheswaran, Suitcase Sam, and, for some reason, Andy DeMayo. Inexplicably, all the marching men were naked as the day they were born, barring their shoes!

Their butts bounced freely with every step they took and their members swung around shamelessly as they sung what appeared to be their anthem:

 _"Nine naked men walking down the road would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned! Nine naked men, walking down the road. Would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned!"_

In reaction to this disturbing spectacle, the whole neighborhood broke into a panic. Jamie flung himself behind a nearby mailbox, while Connie dropped her book and burst into tears. The adult women began ushering their children into Lars' house. While all this happened, Lars' father stared ahead at the nude march, looking mesmerized. Slowly, Dante began removing his clothing.

While getting the children to safety, Martha took noticed her husband's strange behavior and alerted Vidalia and Priyanka. The three women took hold of Dante, who was down to his underwear, and forced him into the house. The half-naked man struggled as he tried to join the rest of the naked men.

Inside the house, Steven and his friends looked at the bizarre "march" from a safe distance while the wives restrained the crazed Dante.

"I don't get it…is this some sort of parade?" Steven asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I think's it's some sort of protest," said Sour Cream. "I hear nude protests are really effective in San Francisco."

"It's kind of hard to explain right now," responded Vidalia as she held down Dante. "Trust me; all this will make sense when you're all older."

On the outside, a certain mailman cowered behind a mailbox as the nine naked men continued to approach. A sudden urge to strip came over Jamie as he began to unbutton his shirt. He caught himself and began panicking; he tried to escape the situation by trying to crawl inside his mailbag, to no avail. With no other means of escape, Jamie soon found himself victim to the naked men's lullaby.

" _One naked man!"_ started Doug.

" _Two naked men!"_ continued Fryman.

" _Three naked men!"_ sang Sam in a sweet, velvety voice.

" _Four naked men!"_ carried on Yellowtail in a completely coherent voice.

" _Five naked men!"_ cried out Andy.

" _Six naked men!"_ bellowed Kofi.

" _Seven naked men!"_ chanted Smiley.

" _Eight naked men!"_ exclaimed Dewey.

" _Nine naked men!"_ harmonized Greg.

Just then, a now bare Jamie caught up to the group and, with a toss of his hat, finished the anthem with, _"Ten naked men walking down the road would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned! Ten naked men, walking down the road. Would cause a heap of trouble for all concerned!"_

The ten men marched on, moving away from the suburbs and into town, spreading their chaos even further, singing their ditty for all of Delmarva to hear.

Once the streets emptied out, Dante regained his senses, looked down at himself, and began to weep.

"Why? WHY!?" sobbed the man, now clad in only his Cookie Cat print boxer shorts.

"You know, in the past, I've been force fed by a living costume, nearly suffocated by living moss, trapped on a deserted island, almost sacrificed to a lighthouse, and had my body robbed by Steven," Lars intoned. "But this is, hands down, the most disturbing day of my life."

* * *

 **This might be the weirdest thing I've ever written. I'll have to top it later!**

 **So, for reference, this is based on the comedic short film A Heap of Trouble by Steven Sullivan. Check it out on Vimeo if you're curious about it.**

 **Leave a review if you'd be so kind.**


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